Most of us grow up hearing — and often romanticising — that “some thoughts are too delicate for speech.” Yet when it comes to a lifetime of commitment, silence can be a fragile foundation. In our desi culture, marriage extends far beyond two individuals; it’s a merging of families — two khandaan — bound by tradition and religious expectation.
From childhood through adolescence, cultural and religious values are quietly woven into your very DNA. Without realizing it, you carry layers of inherited beliefs and the weight of expectations that were never entirely your own. These can either quietly suffocate you or settle into a passive acceptance that seeps out over time — shaping behaviors, choices, and even altering the course of generations in ways harsher than one might imagine.
The spotlight of a desi wedding often falls on how spicy the korma is, how meetha the gulab jamun tastes, whether a certain aunty made the guest list, the bride’s outfit, or even the gaindey ke phool. It’s all part of the charm — the chaos, colour, and camaraderie we hold dear. Yet amid the glitter and traditions, we often forget that there’s more to it.
“Dulha dulhan raazi hain” is taken as a green signal, but are they ready? Prepared? Aware? Equipped for the lifelong companionship, compromises, responsibilities, and emotional, physical, and mental challenges that await them?
This is where premarital counselling fits beautifully into the picture. Sometimes, a buzurg or wise elder in the family steps in — offering pearls of wisdom as a mentor, not with bias but with the sincere intention of helping the couple navigate what lies ahead, free from the rigid norms that often hold them back. Alongside these inherited insights, science and psychology now play a pivotal role, offering professional guidance that is both practical and evidence-based.
Rather than sulking over trivial — or even not-so-trivial — issues, couples can be taught the art of healthy communication, emotional intelligence, and conflict resolution: skills that transform a wedding into a marriage that lasts. By offering a safe space for honest conversation, premarital counselling helps couples address sensitive topics early on, preventing future conflict.
Let’s scratch the surface of what premarital counselling should entail:
1- Developing effective, respectful, and healthy communication.
2- Understanding expectations and roles — both within and outside the home.
3- Aligning career aspirations while balancing family life.
4- Discussing plans for children and parenting styles.
5- Establishing healthy boundaries.
6- Cultivating emotional awareness and a strong emotional quotient.
7- Building and maintaining emotional intimacy.
8- Practicing empathy towards your partner.
9- Managing differences in religious or cultural practices.
10- Identifying triggers and resolving conflict without blame.
11- Preventing escalation and long-term resentment.
12- Navigating physical intimacy with openness and respect.
13- Strengthening joint decision-making.
14- Prioritizing mental wellness — individually and together.
15/ Understanding the role of family involvement.
16- Adapting to evolving personal goals.
17- Practicing financial responsibility and transparency.
18- Sharing domestic responsibilities fairly.
In Pakistan, many aspects of marriage are still built on assumptions rather than open conversations. It’s about time we shift our focus toward meaningful practices that make life after marriage truly beautiful — built on support, understanding, and an enduring better half.
Interestingly, Western Muslim communities are already embracing premarital counselling. Many imams across North America and Europe now encourage couples to participate in structured sessions before the Nikah.
The concept of counselling is often misunderstood — viewed as something reserved for troubled marriages rather than a proactive step toward a stronger one. Yet research and real-life experiences tell a different story.
Shaadi is more than a three-day celebration with matching outfits and dholkis; it’s a lifelong partnership. So before stressing over whether your photographer captured the “perfect candid,” invest a little time in catching potential conflicts early. Premarital counselling won’t stop your spouse from snoring — but it will give you the tools to navigate life together with far less drama and a lot more understanding.
Writer is a freelance journalist who works on issues related to mental health and well-being. She is a yoga expert and conducts meditation and breathing sessions.
